I Drink Your MILKSHAKE!

Milkshakes have always been an important part of the complete snacker’s repertoire, and with the success of this year’s There Will Be Blood and the popularity of the quirky and brilliantly creepy “milkshake” scene (is there any doubt that Daniel Day-Lewis is a genius?), there seems to be a slight surge in popularity for the frosty and deeply satisfying drink.

You can also find t-shirts at the “Ultimate T-Shirt Search Engine” Teenormous featuring the milkshake-drinking catchphrase.

With cooler weather upon us, or at least gaining on us, I took one last look at this summertime beverage and compared a few of the choices on the market. Here are the astounding results.

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Snack Review: Mah Tong Huat Jolly Jolly Gel Snacks

Most of us have seen gel snacks. Usually in neons or bright pastels, bags of the miniature fruity cups line the snack aisles of Asian specialty stores everywhere. They tempt us with their cuteness and the promise of refreshing, unusual fruity flavors.

I’ve fallen victim to their superbly kawaii charms a few times in the past, mostly in my early teenage years - a halcyon era before I actually had to worry about the price of such indulgences. Though she might have given the price tags a questioning once-over, my mom never seemed to take too much issue with shelling out $2.99 a bag for snacks like these. After all, they were fruit-flavored, which automatically made them healthier than, say, giant cookies.

Although paying for my own groceries is a necessary evil of adulthood and all that jazz, I really miss being able to toss any snack I desired into the shopping cart with nary a care or concern. Now that I’m paying for my edible vices, I’ve become quite a cheapskate in some respects. Suddenly, I find myself having difficulty parting with three or more dollars for one snack, unless it’s an absolute favorite of mine. That means gel snacks, no matter how cutely packaged, are usually out of the question.

However, there’s always something new to discover in L.A.’s ethnic markets, and frequently those “somethings” I come across are cheap. On my most recent trip to the neighborhood Vietnamese emporium, one of my finds was a bag of Mah Tong Huat Jolly Jolly Snacks - a scarcely-believable steal, at 39 cents. Sure, the usual cutesy anime-style doodles were absent from the bag, replaced by too-realistic depictions of oranges and grapes oozing juice - but what do you expect for just under four cents a gel snack?

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Beverage Review: BOING! Fruit Juice

I love bunny rabbits and kangaroos and the sound they make when they hop around: BOING! BOING! (Okay, I know they don’t make that sound, but I watched a ton of cartoons when I was a kid, so play along.) I also like frogs and toads, and crickets and grasshoppers to a lesser degree. But I wouldn’t eat any of them. Not even if you paid me to write snack reviews about rabbit jerky, fried kangaroo bites, or honey baked insects.

I’m also a sucker for a well-designed, eye-popping, brightly colored logo. This appeals to my graphic artist sensibilities as well as my inner hummingbird. At the heart of all this nonsense is the juice. Ah, sweet nectar.

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Snack Review: Breyers Pomegranate Blends All Fruit Ice Pops

Pomegranate is supposed to be one of those new miracle foods that will make you live forever. Trumpeting antioxidants on a box of ice pops seems silly to me. I mean, if you want a fruit-flavored healthy snack, let’s face it, they invented that a long time ago: they call it fruit.

But I’m always on the lookout for an ice pop made with real fruit juice for a more sensible reason: because they usually taste better. So I figured I ought to give these a go. If nothing else, they’d be a lot easier to eat than sucking all those little pomegranate seeds to get the juice off them. You have to feel sorry for the first human who was hungry enough to try that, you know?

The first thing you notice about these is that they have a much softer texture than something like a Popsicle – definitely not that hard snappy kind of ice pop. If you eat them slowly enough they soften into something almost like Italian ice.

They come in three flavors. Fortunately for the fussy among us, they are helpfully labeled on the outside of each pop so you don’t have to rip a corner open to see which flavor it is.

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Snack Review: Fruit Leather from Stretch Island Fruit Co.

Have you ever wondered what Spam would taste like if it were made of fruit instead of pork shoulder? Neither had I, until I bit into Stretch Island Fruit Co’s “Fruit Leather,” a kind of Fruit-Roll-Up for (strong stomached) adults.

At 50 cents a pop, these iPod-sized fruit snacks were an impulse buy. Behaving like the easily distracted five-year-old I am, I couldn’t resist their colorful packaging, with its drawings of mangoes and strawberries dancing to what I imagined was kickin’ reggae beat. Needless to say, that tropical vibe had me at hello, and I exited the store confident in my cheap summer purchase.

But oh, how the tide changed when I tore open those pretty packages. Glistening like the US Army’s finest canned meat, Fruit Leather’s resemblance to processed ham was apparent immediately.

To give you a clearer mental picture of what they look like, imagine the sweaty face of an over-tan socialite as she sits on Miami Beach, thumbing through a copy of US Weekly. After weathering years of cigarette smoke and harsh UV rays, her skin has acquired a bumpy, pockmarked quality, which is slightly obscured by the layer of coconut oil covering her cheeks. These snacks resemble those cheeks exactly. Imagine a dermatologist’s nightmare and you’ve imagined Fruit Leather.

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