Snack Drink Review: Starbucks Vivanno Smoothies

First let’s get the rant out of the way: why do these need their own cute brand name? Isn’t Starbucks already a brand name?

Now, I’m not a big fan of Starbucks. I don’t like the whole corporate-monolith thing. I don’t like their burnt coffee and their espresso drinks that mostly taste like milk. I’m not saying I don’t go there - they are the only game in town in too many places for that to be possible – but I don’t really like them.

But I do have to say that they do a decent job with chocolate things. Their mochas solve the problem of their lattes having no real flavor – when made well, they’re very good chocolate drinks.

And I wasn’t disappointed in the chocolate-banana smoothie. It was chocolaty and it had just the right hint of banana - not so much that you’d worry about it being too healthy or anything. It had a nice texture, sort of like a milkshake, or like they use a frozen banana, which comes out a lot like ice cream when put through a blender (DO try that at home, by the way. It’s a great thing).

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Snack Review: Fruit Leather from Stretch Island Fruit Co.

Have you ever wondered what Spam would taste like if it were made of fruit instead of pork shoulder? Neither had I, until I bit into Stretch Island Fruit Co’s “Fruit Leather,” a kind of Fruit-Roll-Up for (strong stomached) adults.

At 50 cents a pop, these iPod-sized fruit snacks were an impulse buy. Behaving like the easily distracted five-year-old I am, I couldn’t resist their colorful packaging, with its drawings of mangoes and strawberries dancing to what I imagined was kickin’ reggae beat. Needless to say, that tropical vibe had me at hello, and I exited the store confident in my cheap summer purchase.

But oh, how the tide changed when I tore open those pretty packages. Glistening like the US Army’s finest canned meat, Fruit Leather’s resemblance to processed ham was apparent immediately.

To give you a clearer mental picture of what they look like, imagine the sweaty face of an over-tan socialite as she sits on Miami Beach, thumbing through a copy of US Weekly. After weathering years of cigarette smoke and harsh UV rays, her skin has acquired a bumpy, pockmarked quality, which is slightly obscured by the layer of coconut oil covering her cheeks. These snacks resemble those cheeks exactly. Imagine a dermatologist’s nightmare and you’ve imagined Fruit Leather.

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Snack Review: Jovy Fruit Rolls

To be honest, fruit rolls (or rollups, which always sounds to me like the stomach-crunching calisthenics I was ordered to perform in seventh grade) have never thrilled me. Maybe it’s because my kids occasionally request them, and most of the offerings on the market are so sickly sweet and utterly sticky (say that ten times fast) that they’re more trouble than they’re worth. On the rare occasions I ate a Fruit Roll-Up, I always felt as though I were consuming artificially sweetened and flavored industrial adhesive, and paying for the privilege.

So, it was with much trepidation that I received a large box of assorted Jovy Fruit Rolls containing enough flattened and rolled fruit to feed a small army of hungry children and nervous adults.
I was pleasantly surprised by this product and enjoyed nearly every flavor. Consider me a convert to Jovianism.

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