Snack Review: Little Debbie Muffins

I imagined it old school style.

Richard Dawson kissin’ up on the ladies, the giant Family Feud board behind him as he repeats the question: “Name something special you might eat for breakfast.” He winks at the Milwaukee housewife as she bites her lip, concentrating as if her life depended on uttering the most popular response to this inane survey question. She’s really kickin’ those wheels into high gear up there. At last she blurts out: “MUFFINS!”

She’s bouncing and vibrating all over. She’s either ready to burst or smother Dawson in her ample midwestern bosom. Suffice to say, she’s excited. Dawson gives her a wink and a pat on the hand, wiggling his pinky ring with a flourish.

“Show me MUUUFFFINNNNS!”

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Snack Review: Lemon Tea Snapple (Reformulated)

Perhaps the Boston Tea Party alienated Americans from consuming tea like the rest of the world? For a very long time, I grew up not understanding why people drank tea. No one I knew drank it and so I followed suit. But after living in New Zealand, where everyone drinks the stuff, I became accustomed to it. And by accustomed, I mean I drink maybe… 1 or 2 quarts of the stuff per day of various varieties. Thus, I feel I know a bit about tea.

Around the time I moved back to the US, the green tea health craze had burgeoned, and everyone was incorporating the stuff into his or her diets, a nice change to the chai craze, in my opinion.

Over the years, I have seen green tea and green tea extracts fuse with all sorts of products, including ice cream, hard candy, and chocolate. It’s therefore not surprising to learn that Snapple has recreated and rebranded its trademark teas in the aforementioned fashion.
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Snack Review: Kardea Nutrition Bar

OK, so these are all about heart health and “natural cholesterol management.” If you want to know about that, go read their website. My business here is how they taste, because if they don’t taste good, who cares how healthy they are? If I want to eat something healthy that tastes bad, that’s why they invented vegetables and whole grains, thanks very much.

Anyway, I can’t tell you more, because I stopped reading the website myself before it stopped me from trying these at all. For some reason, phrases like “More Viscous Soluble Fiber than Heart Healthy Oatmeal” don’t fill me with anticipation of deliciousness. “Viscous” just isn’t a word that I want anywhere near a description of my snacks, you know?

The manufacturer had kindly sent all four flavors for me to sample. I decided to try the cranberry-almond first because it was post-dinnertime and that flavor sounded most like dessert.

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Snack Review: Mother’s Iced Lemonade Cookies

When I first encountered Mother’s Cookies on the shelves of a local 7-Eleven, I was skeptical to say the least. Several warning bells went off, all of which combined into a siren screaming “FAMILY DOLLAR REJECT!” Yes, these cookies gave every sign of being super-low quality and very, very… wrong.

First off, there’s the color scheme and package design. On a white background, pink and purple stripes are arranged in a pattern resembling a circus tent. One corner is occupied by a headshot of a plump redhead with an old-fashioned blouse-and-apron ensemble. Finally, there’s the brand name, “Mother’s.” My reflexive first thought was “what you sayin’ bout my mama?”

Was the company responsible for these cookies trying to say my mom was old-fashioned and dowdy? Were they saying my mom was a circus freak? Most of all, was this company trying to say that my mother - the woman who raised me - baked dollar-store caliber cookies? If they were, I’d have none of it. With a clear memory of my mom’s uber-yummy Rainbow Blondies, I set out to disprove the presumptuous brand’s claims… this time, it was personal.

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