Snack Review: Little Debbie Muffins

I imagined it old school style.

Richard Dawson kissin’ up on the ladies, the giant Family Feud board behind him as he repeats the question: “Name something special you might eat for breakfast.” He winks at the Milwaukee housewife as she bites her lip, concentrating as if her life depended on uttering the most popular response to this inane survey question. She’s really kickin’ those wheels into high gear up there. At last she blurts out: “MUFFINS!”

She’s bouncing and vibrating all over. She’s either ready to burst or smother Dawson in her ample midwestern bosom. Suffice to say, she’s excited. Dawson gives her a wink and a pat on the hand, wiggling his pinky ring with a flourish.

“Show me MUUUFFFINNNNS!”

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Snack Review: Chocolate Chip Cookie Showdown

The recent issue of Consumer Reports rates chocolate chip cookies. I was - intrigued? offended? dubious? - to find that two brands outranked my favorite Chips Ahoy.

I mean, “favorite” isn’t even the word. In my mind they are the standard, the traditional, THE American cookie. What’s more, they are outranked in these ratings by Keebler.

Here’s the truth, people: As far as I know I’ve NEVER eaten a Keebler cookie. I’ve certainly never chosen to buy them myself. I don’t want cookies baked by creepy little elves in a dirty forest. And yet, Keebler were ranked “very good” and Chips Ahoy only “good.”

Well, this was a challenge. And - what if they were actually better? So of course I had to try them.

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Snack Review: Kellogg’s Special K Blueberry, Special K Crackers, and FiberPlus Antioxidant Bars

In the wide world of snacking, the people at Kellogg’s are definite rockstars. I mean, they make most of the country’s favorite cereals. Sure, cereal is a tasty and simple-to-prepare breakfast. But most people in my acquaintance agree that the crunchy, highly-sugared goodness of Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes are just as satisfying - if not moreso - at three A.M., in the aftermath of a wild party, than before school or work.

Because of this legendary greatness, I was surprised, and flattered, when I heard Kellogg’s wanted to send l’il ol’ me a sampling of their newest products to review. When I received a package from the company’s headquarters in Battle Creek, MI, and accepted that the offer wasn’t a put-on, I began to worry. What if I didn’t like the samples I was sent? Would I be blacklisted by the crunchy conglomerate? Labeled a “cereal killer” and banned from major grocery stores for all eternity? Would I awaken at some ungodly hour to find the Honey Smacks Frog pelting me with poisonous goo while Tony the Tiger mauled me to death?

I gave these loathsome possibilities, and countless others, careful consideration. In the end, I squared my shoulders, gulped, and made the braver and morally sound decision. Supermarket snubbery and killer mascots be darned - in the name of journalistic integrity, I’d offer my honest opinions.

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Classic Snack Review: Chips Ahoy!

I had to try these. I owed it to Science, see.

Because when I try any other chocolate chip cookie, this is what I am comparing them to. They are my baseline chocolate chip cookie. But, after writing the review of the Whole Foods cookies, I realized that I hadn’t had these since they changed to no trans fats.

The thing is, I just didn’t want to know. I had been traumatized by the no trans fat Oreos and decided to just live in my memories.

But now for you, gentle reader, I had to make the sacrifice.

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Snack Review: Colossal Cookies from Bristol Farms

After my last stomach-churning encounter with oversize cookies from an overpriced market, I promised myself I’d abstain from such indulgences. I was forced to eat my silent words a few days ago, when a bevy of mountainous, delicious-looking cookies entered my line of sight at Bristol Farms. Trapped within their deadly line of influence, I had no choice but to obey their siren song. I drew steadily closer to the bakery counter, wanting to resist but unable to break the spell.

Entrancing though these cookies were, I needed to perform a litmus test before falling victim to another disgusting-snack swindle. Tentatively, I cupped one of the cookies in my hand. It was as heavy as it appeared, being of a texture that was simultaneously rock-like and slightly yielding. I held the sample specimen, a Pike’s Peak of chocolate chip delight, to my nose, and was rewarded with the scents of genuine butter, brown sugar, and chocolate. This cookie passed muster, as did the other three varieties (Oatmeal Raisin, Peanut Butter/Chocolate Swirl, and Colossal Toffee Crunch). Whole Foods nasty-cookie legacy be darned; I was sold.

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