Snack Review: Little Debbie Muffins

I imagined it old school style.

Richard Dawson kissin’ up on the ladies, the giant Family Feud board behind him as he repeats the question: “Name something special you might eat for breakfast.” He winks at the Milwaukee housewife as she bites her lip, concentrating as if her life depended on uttering the most popular response to this inane survey question. She’s really kickin’ those wheels into high gear up there. At last she blurts out: “MUFFINS!”

She’s bouncing and vibrating all over. She’s either ready to burst or smother Dawson in her ample midwestern bosom. Suffice to say, she’s excited. Dawson gives her a wink and a pat on the hand, wiggling his pinky ring with a flourish.

“Show me MUUUFFFINNNNS!”

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Snack Review: Kellogg’s Special K Blueberry, Special K Crackers, and FiberPlus Antioxidant Bars

In the wide world of snacking, the people at Kellogg’s are definite rockstars. I mean, they make most of the country’s favorite cereals. Sure, cereal is a tasty and simple-to-prepare breakfast. But most people in my acquaintance agree that the crunchy, highly-sugared goodness of Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes are just as satisfying - if not moreso - at three A.M., in the aftermath of a wild party, than before school or work.

Because of this legendary greatness, I was surprised, and flattered, when I heard Kellogg’s wanted to send l’il ol’ me a sampling of their newest products to review. When I received a package from the company’s headquarters in Battle Creek, MI, and accepted that the offer wasn’t a put-on, I began to worry. What if I didn’t like the samples I was sent? Would I be blacklisted by the crunchy conglomerate? Labeled a “cereal killer” and banned from major grocery stores for all eternity? Would I awaken at some ungodly hour to find the Honey Smacks Frog pelting me with poisonous goo while Tony the Tiger mauled me to death?

I gave these loathsome possibilities, and countless others, careful consideration. In the end, I squared my shoulders, gulped, and made the braver and morally sound decision. Supermarket snubbery and killer mascots be darned - in the name of journalistic integrity, I’d offer my honest opinions.

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Snack Review: World of Grains Cookies

I am deeply suspicious of snacks that make health claims. Healthy eating doesn’t mean giving up pleasure in food. That won’t make you live forever – it’ll just feel that way. As long as you get all your fruits and vegetables and so on at meals, there is nothing wrong with a snack that’s just junk once in a while.

What’s more, I’ve lived through enough bogus food trends – oat bran, low fat snacks that ended up having twice as much sugar, people eating nothing but bacon and meat and thinking it is a health diet – to have learned that any health claim is going to be used as a way to make money by companies whose only interest in your health is whether you have the strength left to take your wallet out of your pocket.

So when I was asked if I wanted some samples of these to review, I was all, “Bring them on! You can’t fool all of the people all of the time! I wasn’t born yesterday! Etc.!”

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Snack Review: Breyers Pomegranate Blends All Fruit Ice Pops

Pomegranate is supposed to be one of those new miracle foods that will make you live forever. Trumpeting antioxidants on a box of ice pops seems silly to me. I mean, if you want a fruit-flavored healthy snack, let’s face it, they invented that a long time ago: they call it fruit.

But I’m always on the lookout for an ice pop made with real fruit juice for a more sensible reason: because they usually taste better. So I figured I ought to give these a go. If nothing else, they’d be a lot easier to eat than sucking all those little pomegranate seeds to get the juice off them. You have to feel sorry for the first human who was hungry enough to try that, you know?

The first thing you notice about these is that they have a much softer texture than something like a Popsicle – definitely not that hard snappy kind of ice pop. If you eat them slowly enough they soften into something almost like Italian ice.

They come in three flavors. Fortunately for the fussy among us, they are helpfully labeled on the outside of each pop so you don’t have to rip a corner open to see which flavor it is.

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