Snack Review: Wye River Crabbers Crackers

They’re just crackers, you probably think. How could there be drama? But so many aspects of my personal history were at war when I encountered these crackers.

They are crab-shaped cheese crackers, flavored with the traditional kind of herb and spice seasoning mix that is used on crabs in the mid-Atlantic region. The animal nut in me cannot resist an unusual animal-shaped food, even a cookie shaped like maggots. Also, now that I’ve lived temporarily in Maryland for, um, fifteen years, I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t have more local spirit. Wye River is a local company based on that local culinary obsession, crabs. And since the crabs are unfortunately kind of going extinct, I figured the company would need support for products like these that don’t have any actual crab in them.

So I popped these crackers into the cart without any more thought. But when I got home and popped them in my mouth, that was when the battle started: the Italian in me came out.

The problem is that traditionally, Italians do not combine cheese and seafood (except in some very limited cases). The repulsion that results from being raised in this culinary tradition is excellently clear in a scene from the book about the Sicilian detective that I recently reviewed, in which Detective Montalbano reacts as his colleague grates cheese over his lunch:

Even a hyena, which feeds on carrion, would have been sickened to see a dish of pasta with clam sauce covered with Parmesan!

Now, if you have been reading carefully up to this point, your reaction may well be: “But you said that this was a product with no actual crab in it! So what is your problem?”

Indeed. But the problem is, crab seasoning mix is so inextricably associated with the taste of crabs that it almost IS the taste of crabs. Crab is actually a pretty mild taste on its own, so the absence of actual crab from the taste of crab seasoning barely makes an impression on the mind.

So, the taste of cheese combined with crab seasoning amounted, in my well-conditioned Maryland mouth, to the taste of cheese and seafood. And therefore also amounted, to my much more well-conditioned Italian mouth, to a cracker that even a hyena would be sickened by.

It was just wrong. Wye River also sells popcorn with crab seasoning, and maybe that would have a fighting chance, but on cheese crackers, no way. I just can’t do it. The Italian pummeled the animal nut and the less-than-committed Marylander into submission in an instant. Even two against one, they didn’t have a chance.

Of course, you may lack all these warring, ingrained culinary impressions. You may find this a fun shaped cheese cracker with an interesting seasoning on it. Go ahead, dig in. But I don’t even want to watch. I can’t stand it.

• Wye River Website

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