Snack Review: Doctor Kracker Organic Flatbread Crackers

“Peace, love and crackers.”

So ends the catchy Doctor Kracker jingle performed by Tres Lunas. Honestly, these organic, whole wheat flatbread crackers have to be the hippest snacks around. I mean, Jad Fair (singer/guitarist/co-founder of the legendary punk rock band Half Japanese, collaborator for Yo La Tengo, Teenage Fanclub and Daniel Johnston) created a silly animated short for these amazing crackers!

Yes, these are the snacks all the cool kids in the neighborhood snarf on while watching ThunderCats: “But Lion-O, these crackers are too crunchy! Snarf! Snarf!” (Okay, maybe not the really cool kids.)

Despite the throwback look (think Smith Bros. cough drops - specifically the bearded bro’), the playful website and the whimsical package labels (”Gaze with awe upon the Seedlander”), the good Doctor K. is not fooling around. These are seriously tasty and nutritious snacks with a rich German history, from a region where flatbreads are a staple in the best bakeries. From his grandfather’s bakery in 1997, company founder Dr. Klaus Karg sought to meld the simple and austere Swedish flatbreads with the more flavorful specialty breads. He succeeded years later and sold his crackers under the company name Dr. Karg.

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Snack Review: Kellogg’s Special K Blueberry, Special K Crackers, and FiberPlus Antioxidant Bars

In the wide world of snacking, the people at Kellogg’s are definite rockstars. I mean, they make most of the country’s favorite cereals. Sure, cereal is a tasty and simple-to-prepare breakfast. But most people in my acquaintance agree that the crunchy, highly-sugared goodness of Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes are just as satisfying - if not moreso - at three A.M., in the aftermath of a wild party, than before school or work.

Because of this legendary greatness, I was surprised, and flattered, when I heard Kellogg’s wanted to send l’il ol’ me a sampling of their newest products to review. When I received a package from the company’s headquarters in Battle Creek, MI, and accepted that the offer wasn’t a put-on, I began to worry. What if I didn’t like the samples I was sent? Would I be blacklisted by the crunchy conglomerate? Labeled a “cereal killer” and banned from major grocery stores for all eternity? Would I awaken at some ungodly hour to find the Honey Smacks Frog pelting me with poisonous goo while Tony the Tiger mauled me to death?

I gave these loathsome possibilities, and countless others, careful consideration. In the end, I squared my shoulders, gulped, and made the braver and morally sound decision. Supermarket snubbery and killer mascots be darned - in the name of journalistic integrity, I’d offer my honest opinions.

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Snack Review: Bachman Pretzel Rods

Here’s what’s remarkable about pretzels: They basically have only, what, four ingredients? Flour, water, yeast, salt. There may be little bits of other things like fat and sweetener. But how can they be so different when that’s all there is to it?

I guess it’s not too surprising, because that’s all there is to bread, also, and bread can be very different with just those ingredients even before you start adding fancy stuff to it. Not surprising, but inconvenient, because in my house, there is only one kind of acceptable pretzel rod - and it’s a brand we can’t find where we live now.

Our favorite is Bachman’s. We bought a stash of them on a recent trip up north, and found that the bag now makes a big deal out of their difference: They’re Rolled! Um, WTF?

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Snack Review: Angelic Gourmet Chocolate Cranberry Orange Popcorn

You know, the holidays. You want to buy presents for people you don’t see very often, and something edible is a good bet. Everyone eats, after all. And if you get a gift you don’t like, at least it won’t take up space in your closet for years.

I got this snack from a well-meaning friend who didn’t realize that I am an individual of exquisitely refined taste, who appreciates the subtler things in life, the plain, unadorned, natural tastes of things instead of elaborate combinations of -

Oh, let’s face it. I am the kind of person who does not like different foods to touch each other on my plate. I would not buy something that combines chocolate, popcorn, cranberry, and orange any more than I would breed my pug dogs to a parakeet to see what kind of pet I got out of it.

But, readers, for you, I tried it. And let’s just say it did nothing to change my attitude toward too many things combined into one snack.

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Snack Review: Bissli Snacks Falafel Flavor

Most years, it’s just Christmas that’s almost a disaster because I leave my shopping till the last minute. But this year, I thought I’d managed to ruin Hanukkah too: Recently I saw that this season, Jones Soda’s holiday soda flavors include - be still my heart - jelly doughnut! But tragically, if you click on that link you will see the three saddest words on the Internet: OUT OF STOCK.

You might wonder what this has to do with this little bag of falafel flavored, cracker-stick sorts of things. It’s not because they are made in Israel, although that is indeed a country that celebrates Hanukkah.

No, it’s that these crackers made me feel better about not getting the soda. It’s because they reminded me: Certain tastes are supposed to go with certain textures.

I expected this snack to be, you know, kind of reminiscent of falafel, kind of suggestive of falafel, something like a relative, or a good friend, of the falafel family.

But instead, it tasted, uncannily, exactly like falafel. You’d think this would be a big success, right? But it was actually kind of disorienting. Falafel are supposed to be round, and fried on the outside, and soft and grainy-textured on the inside. Not little crunchy sticks. It’s weird to be eating a little cracker-stick and tasting basically a sandwich.

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