Snack Review: Bachman Pretzel Rods

Here’s what’s remarkable about pretzels: They basically have only, what, four ingredients? Flour, water, yeast, salt. There may be little bits of other things like fat and sweetener. But how can they be so different when that’s all there is to it?

I guess it’s not too surprising, because that’s all there is to bread, also, and bread can be very different with just those ingredients even before you start adding fancy stuff to it. Not surprising, but inconvenient, because in my house, there is only one kind of acceptable pretzel rod - and it’s a brand we can’t find where we live now.

Our favorite is Bachman’s. We bought a stash of them on a recent trip up north, and found that the bag now makes a big deal out of their difference: They’re Rolled! Um, WTF?

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Snack Review: Little Debbie 100 Calorie Snacks

I’ve been crazy about Little Debbie since I was Little Jimmy. I remember fervently wishing that the cute cowgirl on the snack cake package lived nearby so we could play together, not knowing Debbie was easily twice my age at the time. Like all good stories, there’s a narrative arc: Now Little Debbie is following ME! On Twitter! (LittleDebbie is trying to make you salivate like a Great Dane who missed lunch. about 5 minutes ago from web)

What’s more, she sent me a huge box of cute li’l snacks! For pre-packaged, mass-produced cakes and sweet treats, you can’t find much better than this.

The trick to wise snacking is sensible portions in moderation. Little Debbie’s 100 Calorie Snacks help us do just that, or at least suggest it; the rest is up to us. These snacks have about the same fat and sugar content as their regular items, but the serving sizes are anywhere from 50-60% smaller. In short, you’re eating the same sweet and fatty food, just less of it. At least it’s a start.

Although I’m not a body builder like the narrator’s father and brothers in Jonathan Evison’s excellent first novel, All About Lulu, I swear I thought my arms were super bulked when I grabbed a Yellow Cake (with “butter creme” icing) and a Triple Fudge Brownie.

Man, I’m massive!

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Snack Review: QB’s Ice Cream Treats and Trader Joe’s Organic Brown Rice Marshmallow Treats

A properly made Rice Krispie treat is one of the great achievements of American culture. And all you need to do to get one is follow the incredibly simple recipe on the box, which includes only three crucial ingredients and no baking. The technology behind it – turning rice into things that snap, crackle and pop, to say nothing of the mystery that is marshmallows – is no doubt awesome. But in the kitchen, there’s nothing simpler.

And if you have any sense, you’re totally content when you eat one. You don’t say to yourself, “hmm, if only this had brown rice in it” or “hey, how about some ice cream at the same time?”

But not everyone has your good sense, so, we have these two products.

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I Drink Your MILKSHAKE!

Milkshakes have always been an important part of the complete snacker’s repertoire, and with the success of this year’s There Will Be Blood and the popularity of the quirky and brilliantly creepy “milkshake” scene (is there any doubt that Daniel Day-Lewis is a genius?), there seems to be a slight surge in popularity for the frosty and deeply satisfying drink.

You can also find t-shirts at the “Ultimate T-Shirt Search Engine” Teenormous featuring the milkshake-drinking catchphrase.

With cooler weather upon us, or at least gaining on us, I took one last look at this summertime beverage and compared a few of the choices on the market. Here are the astounding results.

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Top 10 Gas Station Snacks

Gas. Oil. Water.

Forty years ago, gas stations were called service stations, and that’s what you got. You’d sit in your car and the attendant would fill ‘er up with gas, check the oil and water, chat about the weather, you’d fork over a few bucks and then ease on down the road.

Today you can still get gas, oil and water for your car, but so much more for yourself! The possibilities are endless! Space and time are limited here, so enjoy the TOP TEN SNACKS you can find in a gas station. This list is certainly not definitive, but it’s based on my years of careful observation as a trained, professional snack critic.

10. JUMBO JARS OF PICKLED EGGS

In college I worked behind the counter at a gas station for half a summer, and the only person I ever saw eat pickled eggs was a homeless guy named Wig who washed them down with 40 oz. bottles of malt liquor. Maybe there’s a “Wig” in every neighborhood, ’cause someone’s eating these things. I’ve heard they’re popular in midwestern taverns, so maybe you have to be pickled yourself to properly enjoy them.

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