Snack Review: Bumble Bar

Confession: I’m a die-hard Burt’s Bees fan. I know this probably makes me a yuppie-in-training, but I just can’t resist their folksy packaging and quality balm product.

So when I saw Bumble Bars in the organic aisle of my grocery store, I knew I had to try them. It’s genius, really. Imitate the look of a product that your target demographic already loves, and watch your latest vegan creation fly off the health food shelves. I swear, even the words “Gluten Free” could not dissuade me from buying this snack.

But, as the sages have taught us, thou shalt not judge a snack by its wrapper. Just because something LOOKS like it will be folksy and traditional, does not necessarily mean it will be. Had I remembered this credo, I probably wouldn’t have gasped (literally, gasped) upon freeing my Bumble Bar from its sleeve.

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The Dao of Debbie

When it comes to the smiling faces on snack packages and fast food wrappers, it’s hard to know what to believe. Colonel Sanders, Aunt Jemima, Wendy the Redheaded Burger Girl - did these people ever exist or were they simply the products of genius marketing?

Sometimes, as with Betty Crocker, the line between fact and fiction is frustratingly blurry. Though rarely seen in person, Betty spoke on radio programs and published newspaper columns. She wrote the quintessential entertainment guide, personally responded to letters asking for baking advice, and in 1945 was even named America’s 2nd most popular woman by Fortune magazine (Eleanor Roosevelt, that minx, snagged first place).

Yet, despite her friendly demeanor and media savvy, Betty was bogus. When it came down to it, she was nothing more than a pleasant phantom invented by General Mills and made real by the hundreds of secretaries who mastered her curvy signature.

I have to admit, when I first discovered this truth, it shook me to my very core. “Betty Crocker was a crock!” I found myself wailing in the bakery aisle, much to the confusion of my fellow shoppers. If you can’t trust an American institution like her, who can you trust?

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RECALL ALERT: Toxic Milk in Japanese Snacks

Lovers of Japanese snacks beware!

Marudai Food Co. just recalled 5 of its snack products, due to fears that they were made with tainted milk. The Chinese-produced milk may contain traces of melamine, a toxin known to cause kidney stones in infants.

It’s been a bad few weeks for the Chinese diary industry. In addition to exporting questionable fresh milk to Japan, it was revealed on Sept. 9 that the Chinese diary producer Yili Industrial Co. had been supplying infants with contaminated powdered milk. Apparently, suppliers to companies like Yili Industrial put melamine in their milk to make it appear more protein-heavy.

These sketchy health standards have provoked nearby countries to outlaw Chinese milk. In fact, several African governments just banned Chinese diary products, after roughly 52,000 Chinese infants were poisoned with melamine-tainted formula.

So folks, if you happen to have one of Marudai Food’s 5 recalled snacks lying around the house (”Cream Panda,” “Matcha Azuki Milk Man,” “Gratin Crepe Corn,” “Kakuni Pao” and “Mocchiri Niku Man”) DO NOT let your infant daughter gnaw on them! Believe me, her kidneys will thank you.

Snack Review: Barry’s Bakery California Almond French Twists

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that, if you’re reading Snackerrific, you’re probably pop-culture savvy enough to have heard “Seasons of Love,” the finale from a little-known musical called “Rent.” (For those of you who aren’t musical theater dorks, “Seasons of Love” is the song that your gay nephew sang at his high school talent show last month. With me now? Super.)

As you’ll recall, “Seasons” asks us to measure our lives in love, rather than hours, minutes, or “cups of coffee.” And while recently blasting this song out my car speakers listening to it on iPod Shuffle, I realized something profound: I could measure my life in pastry.

Awesome, right? Each chapter of my epic suburban existence has been marked by a significant pastry event. For instance, when I was 11, my dad dropped his job as an environmental chemist and moved us across the country to open a Cinnamonster shop. Hauling ass from Colorado to Massachusetts was a massive, life-changing journey – and it was all done for the love of pastry.

Four years later I landed a job at our local bakery, Cakewalk, where I worked throughout high school in order to scrape up some gas money. Couple this doughy employment with my Cinnamonster saga, and you’ve got a girl who knows her baked goods.

So believe me when I tell you that Barry Bakery’s “French Twists” are the real deal. Having spent the better part of my youth spreading butter over croissant dough, I recognize a well-made layer pastry when I see one. To achieve such fluffly, melts-in-your-mouth deliciousness, the dough of these Twists must’ve been folded over many, many times. My biceps ache just thinking about it.

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Prices on Airline Snacks are Up, Up, and Away

This just in: JetBlue Airlines might start offering customers a “premium snack service,” which would include VitaminWater and Rockstar Engergy drinks. A little strange, don’t you think? I imagine that most people flying JetBlue aren’t in an economic position to shell out $3 for a VitaminWater, so what are the JetBlue execs thinking?

Three guesses:

1. their current image could use a little work (even Tracey Ullman takes some shots on YouTube)
2. they just really, really like Raspberry Apple VitaminWater (so energizing! it’s like you’re drinking a yoga class!)
3. the airline is making so little money that it’s ready to gamble on a half-baked premium scheme, while secretly contemplating charging customers for the snacks it already offers.

Of course, JetBlue execs say they’re not going to start pricing their free snacks, but it’s hard to believe them. United Airlines recently raised snack prices to $9, and with fuel prices escalating daily, I doubt it will be long before other airlines follow suit. Ahhh, yeah. Nothing like a $5 bag of pretzels to brighten up your next red eye.

• BusinessWeek Article on Premium Snack Service